I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
