you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's the barista slut.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need to calm my uterus...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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