I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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