I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
