if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
