Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
