1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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