Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
