if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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