Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
