she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I pour the whiskey from now on
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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