Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
