I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
