Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
