You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
