you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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