Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
