she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
