You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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