Banned from zoo.
Again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
