bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
