I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
