Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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