My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize