did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize