I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
