i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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