Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
