were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
