For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
