She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
