You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
