I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
