My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
