I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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