Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
