I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
