So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
