I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
