just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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