So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
