note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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