You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
