I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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