Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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