If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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