i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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