just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
