You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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