Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
