im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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