Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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