Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
