I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
