My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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