if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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