you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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