my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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