Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
