Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
