A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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