Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
