I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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