Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
