I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize