Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
