therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
