Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
